Category: Dating Diaries

Dating Diaries

Dating Diaries: Mr. No-Show

alittlebitsquirrely

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In my 30-something years of living, I have never been stood up. Until now.

This was probably karma coming back to me for leaving my date with the doctor when I told him I had a headache.

We were planning to meet at a little hole-in-the-wall bar that has fun games like ping pong and skee ball. Prior to us meeting we had to reschedule our dates a few times, I didn’t think anything of it. I arrive at the bar and text him letting him know I’m sitting outside. He responds, “running a few minutes behind I had to take my dog out.”

I decide to order a glass of Pinot Grigio and wait for his arrival. Twenty minutes go by. I text my friend to ask her how long does one wait until they realize they’ve been stood up.  She instructed me to text him about his ETA and wait at least 20 minutes before leaving.

I shoot him a text asking him,  “Hey _____ just seeing if you’re planning on coming or not. If you’re not, it’s cool… but just let me know.” Radio silence. No reply. Nothing. At this point I couldn’t help but laugh a little. I finish my wine, close my tab and bounce out of there.

If I learned anything from this non-existent date, it’s that I can totally go somewhere and drink a glass of wine by myself and not feel weird about it. Victory!

 

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Dating Diaries

Dating Diaries: A Disaster With a Doctor

alittlebitsquirrely

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I went on my first and last date with a private practice doctor. I have nothing against doctors, my best friend married a doctor who works at Duke and I love him to death. *Note: I told my friend about my date with the doctor and she told me to stay away from doctors who are in private practice as they’re high maintenance and all about the money.*

So I met the doctor at Vivace at North Hills, which I thought was just going to be for a drink since it was 9pm. I don’t know about you, but I can’t eat dinner after 9pm for the fear I’ll get heartburn. Anyways, I arrive and he’s sitting at the bar and we greet each other with small talk. As I’m handed the drink menu from the bartender, I make a comment about how I could really go for a glass of rosé. The response I received from the doctor was not expected… “don’t order a glass of wine, get a cocktail. I’m thinking we’ll have a nice bottle of white wine from Italy when we sit down for dinner.” Insert my facial expression of disbelief when I was told what to do. That was red flag number one. In case you’re wondering, I never ordered a drink. I did not want a cocktail and I wasn’t even sure I wanted a glass of wine after that.

Red flag number 2. He proceeds to talk about himself and the practice he was recruited to. He talks about skiing, elaborate vacations, the country club he belongs to, etc. It was then I realized this was not going to work out. I could tell he was looking for a trophy wife. He wanted someone to show off, someone to be a stay-at-home mom and be the one who takes care of the home while he works. This was not something I wanted to sign up for.

Red flag number 3. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I noticed he kept jingling his wrist throughout the date. It was obvious he wanted me to see his watch. I thought I’d play along for giggles. Here’s how it went:

Me: *Looking at his watch* “Is that a Rolex?”
Doctor: “Why yes it is!!” *He proceeds to remove the watch from his wrist on his own accord and hands it over to me thinking I will marvel and drool over the luxurious watch.* “It’s 14 karat white gold”, he exclaims.
Me: *Blank stare. Thinking to myself, is this real life? I gotta get outta here.* To try to lighten the mood I say, “Well you know I have this fancy Garmin watch on. It tracks my steps, my heart rate, I get text messages, etc.”
Doctor: “Maybe I’ll buy you a Rolex one day.”
Me: “No… I’m good.”

I hand the watch back to him and tell him I probably wouldn’t be staying for dinner as I had a headache. Truth be told, I was getting a headache and I didn’t want to have to sit through a meal with him that he would insist on paying for. As he walked with me outside red flag number 4 was minutes away from happening. He proceeds to tell me he used to live in the apartments above North Hills, but had to move to a “higher rent district” because he wanted to be around more sophisticated people like him. I couldn’t leave this conversation fast enough. We exchange goodbyes and I head to my local McDonald’s so I can treat myself to some french fries and think about what just transpired.

Don’t get me wrong, I like nice things too. I just don’t air it out or brag about it. Good for him if he bought himself a Rolex or joined a country club… that kind of stuff doesn’t impress me. If you really want to impress me, tell me you volunteer at an animal shelter or that you’ve ran your first marathon.

Dating Diaries

Dating Diaries: Regina George

alittlebitsquirrely

I swear, I have the worst luck when it comes to dating guys.  I decided to give the app, Hinge, a go.  I matched with a nice looking fella and we basically hit it off immediately.  By hitting it off I mean we had the same taste in music and movies- I guess that was pretty much it (looking back it should have been a red flag).  I got blind-sided by the fact that we had a conversation via MEAN GIRLS memes… I mean wouldn’t you?!FullSizeRender-6

More red flags:

  • He thought I was looking for a BFF or a cat babysitter.
    • Ummm…. NO and NO
      • I have enough BFFs and Boo Radley (my cat) has enough babysitters
  • He did not appreciate my witty sense of humor.
    • I might have referred to him a blue-haired lady because he mentioned eating dinner early in one of our conversations.
      • He took offense to me referring to him as a “lady” and did NOT like that one bit.  It. Was. A. Joke.
  • He appeared to be a little homophobic.
    • I sent him a meme from the brosbeingbasic Instagram account and he indicated he used to follow them, but it got too gay for him so he unfollowed the account.
      • UMMM??? Ok.

Needless to say there were red flags, but I ignored them.  I thought to myself, “I’m going to see this date through!”

Side note: my outfit was amazing. I had on a Free People tank, distressed Joe’s Jeans and a pair of Michael Kors wedges on.  I basically wasted an amazing outfit on a bad date.

I arrive to our date destination.

He was dressed very nicely. He had on a pair of designer jeans and a Brooks Brothers shirt.  He also had on typical frat-bro loafers and a nautical belt that fratastic guys usually wear.

The conversation was TERRIBLE.  I mean it was REALLY bad.

  • He did not like what the hostess was wearing, he thought it was see-through.
    • No it wasn’t see-through. I actually liked her dress.
    • A quote from him, “If I was a CEO and she was working for me she would not be wearing that dress.”
      • Ok…..
  • He did not like the type of glass his beer was served in, he thought the glass was “fruity”
    • See my observation above under red flags about him being homophobic.
  • He was very opinionated about tattoos.
    • Side note: I have a small tattoo on my wrist.
      • According to him you have to play the role of the career you want.  Apparently that means you can’t have tattoo sleeves and be a CEO.
        • Am I talking to my dad?  I’m pretty sure I was on a date with an 80 year old man, not a 31 year old.
  • I commented to him that our waitress looked like Kristen Bell.  His response: “Kristen Bell is old, she’s like 40.”
    • Me: “No she’s not. She’s about my age.”
      • After consulting Siri, yours truly was right.  He then told me he didn’t think our waitress looked like her, but I told her anyways.  It made her night.

That was probably the shortest date ever for me… under 45 minutes.

Now here’s the best part.  Well, not the best part, but it would only happen to me.

We’re walking down the street and the sidewalk had a lot of uneven pavement. I’m not even at the corner and I feel my ankle giving out.  My arms flail around like a crazed bird and I do a 360 spin like a drunk ballerina (P.S. I wasn’t drunk when I fell, I didn’t even finish my Moscow Mule on the date).  Next thing I know I’m laying on the ground staring up at the sky.

Here’s a series of thoughts that went through my mind:

  • How many people saw that?
  • Is this real life?
  • Did I break my ankle?
  • This would only happen to me. #storyofmylife
  • Should I buy a Life Alert?
  • I wish my friends were here to see this.
  • Can I just lay here for a few minutes?
  • Are my jeans ok?
  • I wonder what judgmental thoughts are going through people’s minds about me.
    • “Oh that girl is a hot mess.”
    • “She probably had too much to drink”
    • “It sucks to be her”
    • “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

I probably laid in the street for 3-4 minutes.  Several bystanders walked by me to ask me if I was ok and my date just stood there.  My response to everyone, “Oh I’m fine. I’m just laying here to make sure nothing is broken and to collect myself.” Followed by a nervous laugh.

I finally get up with the help of Regina George and continue walking with a slight limp and I just start cracking up.  He didn’t think it was funny.  We said our awkward goodbyes and departed.

God bless Google for telling me how to treat my ankle. I wrapped it up in an Ace Bandage, iced it and elevated it.  The following morning was touch and go, but since I was proactive my sprained ankle wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

For those of you wondering, he texted me the next day and said, “Hope your foot is ok. Bye.”

I give this date ZERO stars.

 

 

 

Dating Diaries

Dating Diaries: Mr. Sensitive Guy

alittlebitsquirrely

So I recently went out with a guy (twice), that I’ll call Tom that I met off Tinder.

Tom + I met at Trophy Tap + Table in Downtown Raleigh.  When I arrived he was already sitting at the bar.  The conversation was great and we had some laughs.  Towards the end of dinner he tells me he has something to tell me.  I’m thinking to myself, “oh great, I can’t wait to see what confession he has for me.” He proceeds to tell me that he’s not 38 per his info on Tinder, he’s 42.  Am I happy that he lied about his age? No. I try to brush it off.  We then decide to head to Fox Liquor Bar for a drink.  He then tells me has something else to tell me.  Bless America! What else is he going to confess to me about?!

He tells me he walks with a limp.

Ummm… ok.  I’m thinking to myself, ok no big deal and don’t be superficial about it.  I mean there was some chemistry there and I figured I’d give the guy a chance. As we started to walk out of the bar it was a very obvious limp. The only way I can explain it which is going to sound mean (which is not my intent) is that it was like on the episode of Friends where Phoebe goes running with Rachel (but picture walking like that).  See? I knew you’d thought it would sound mean, but that’s the only way to give you a visual.

We get to the bar and he wants to sit in the dark corner. Of course this isn’t going to end well.  Thirty minutes in the bar and we’re making out like we’re two teenagers. Side note: I’m not going to be able to show my face in that bar for quite some time.

When we parted ways we decided to make plans to hang out again.  I figured I would give him another chance to redeem himself for lying to me about his age.

Date rating: 8/10

 

 

 

Dating Diaries

Dating Diaries: BMX Guy

alittlebitsquirrely

It’s been awhile since I posted about my dating life.  Things have been picking up lately, maybe it’s because summer is here. Who knows?!

All names have been changed to protect their identities.

A few weeks ago I went out with a pro BMX bike rider who I will name Ryan, that I met off Tinder.  He had over 117k Instagram followers, was verified ON Instagram and was from South America. A latin BMX rider?! Say whaaaat?!

I already had an idea that this probably wouldn’t work out, but when would I ever get the opportunity to go out with a famous BMX rider?

So for shits + giggles I decided I’d meet him for a drink. I’m not going to lie, a part of me thought I was being catfished.  I mean why would a pro- athlete be on Tinder? Of course I told several of my friends where I was going like I always do in event I end up on Dateline.

Since he lived on the outskirts of Raleigh we made plans to meet halfway at a hole-in-the-wall bar, Abbey Road.  The good news was that he didn’t catfish me, he was who he said he was.  The conversation was steady, but not stimulating.  For someone who traveled the world for a living I knew he wouldn’t be a good match for me, but he was a super nice and down-to-earth guy.  With a friendly hug we parted ways and headed back to our own  lives.

Date rating: 6/10

 

Dating Diaries

Crikey!

alittlebitsquirrely

I went on a date. With an Australian.

Here’s how it went down.

I matched with Gary on Tinder. {Side bar: when I saw that his name was Gary, all I could think about was that Ew Gary skit Jimmy Fallon does on the Tonight Show}. We started chatting + I learned he was in town from Australia for the week with work. I thought to myself, “YAAAS, here’s my opportunity to go out with an Aussie!”  From looking at his pictures he was totes attractive and I could tell he was probably a bit of a playboy. Did that stop me? No.  I basically confided in a couple of coworkers to let them know I was going on a date.  Half of them told me not to do it, the other half said go for it. I also phoned a friend for her opinion… she told me to go for it.  So I went for it.

I obviously made sure I was in control of where we were going to meet up at, etc. so I wouldn’t end up on Dateline.  We agreed to meet up at Lynnwood for drinks.  I arrived there first to which I promptly ordered a Moscow Mule so I could get a head start with some liquid courage.  I never meet up with anyone that soon, but since there was a time crunch I made an exception.

Gary arrived a little late.  Bless his heart, he had to Uber there.  Granted if I was in another country I sure as hell would not attempt to drive either.  So he comes in and I’m a little taken aback. Not by his dashing good looks, but the fact that he’s got a satchel aka a murse, or in laments terms, a man purse. All I could think of was the episode from Friends where Joey wears a murse.

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I then felt like an ass after I asked him why he had it.  Since he has diabetes he keeps his insulin in it. Like I said, I felt like an after that.  I thought it was maybe just a trend Australian men were trying out.  Nope.  He also had a small hoop earring.  At least it wasn’t a gauge in his ear.

So in true Jessica fashion, I quizzed him on stereotypical Australian things.  Here’s a sampling of the hard-hitting questions I asked.

It’s a good thing he had a sense of humor.  Out of those questions that I asked him, he reacted badly to Fosters.  He was not a fan of that beer.

By the time a few hours pass by, it’s time for me to go home.  He tries multiple times to come with me.  Hecky naw! Like I said, I’m not trying to end up on Dateline and I just met up with him for giggles because I knew I’d never see him again.  Plus, my momma didn’t raise me like that. Thanks, mom… I do listen to you! After several attempts, he finally gets the picture and instead walks me to my car.  I literally turn around to hug him and BAM he plants one on me.  So not only did I go out on a date with an Australian, but we basically made out in the parking lot.

When I told my co-worker this, she summed it up perfectly for me, “you made out with an Australian so you basically made our with Chris Hemsworth.”

I’ll accept that.

Dating Diaries

Earbuds

alittlebitsquirrely

Ok y’all. Here’s my first blog post on my adventures in dating. I’ve changed the guy’s name +  location so no one’s feelings get hurt.

Last night’s date was a total hot mess!  We met up at local downtown Raleigh establishment at around 8pm.  I got there on time + Earbuds* texted to say he was out back finishing up a phone call.  Out of total politeness I waited for him to show his face prior to ordering my drink… my parents would be proud that those cotillon classes from middle school were paying off.  Maybe I should have referred him to the cotillon classes I went to because he appeared with beverage in hand.  In the words of Stephanie Tanner, “HOW RUDE!” I opted to not hold that against him. However there were a few things I couldn’t get past.

  1. He was starting ear gauges. On BOTH ears.  Who starts doing that when they’re in their 30s?! Really? I don’t get the appeal of ear gauges. I’m ok with tattoos, but ear gauges? You want to have a GIANT floppy hole in your ear that you could potentially shoot darts through for giggles? No thanks.
  2. He whipped out his e-cigarette like Leonardo DiCaprio did at the SAG Awards. It was like a magic trick, you don’t know how it appeared, it just came out of no where.
  3. He lives with an eight foot boa constrictor. Technically, it’s his roommate’s “pet”, but still. A snake? That’s a 100% hell no. Not to mention, I think he plans to live with said roommate forever.
  4. Conspiracy theories. He had conspiracy theories that he babbled about, but honestly I tuned out. I think I just nodded as if I knew what he was talking about.
  5. Yes, there’s a number five.  At the end of the night when it was obvious that there wasn’t a connection he said he was going to close his tab.  First of all, we had a waitress. Second of all, you’re not going to at least offer to buy my one $5 glass of prosecco for Wind Down Wednesday? Oh, that’s fine. I’m miss independent, miss self-sufficient… I’ve got this, don’t worry about me.

I should have just said, “Bye Felicia” to him.  Unfortunately time machines don’t exist so it’s a moo-point.  Oh well… on to the next one.

P.S. I called this post earbuds because I stopped my friend’s house after the date to give her the “scoop” and her boyfriend referred to him as earbuds so it stuck.

P.S.S. Earbuds, if you’re reading this- I didn’t mention your name so let’s not get bent out of shape… it’s just giggles.