I swear, I have the worst luck when it comes to dating guys. I decided to give the app, Hinge, a go. I matched with a nice looking fella and we basically hit it off immediately. By hitting it off I mean we had the same taste in music and movies- I guess that was pretty much it (looking back it should have been a red flag). I got blind-sided by the fact that we had a conversation via MEAN GIRLS memes… I mean wouldn’t you?!
More red flags:
- He thought I was looking for a BFF or a cat babysitter.
- Ummm…. NO and NO
- I have enough BFFs and Boo Radley (my cat) has enough babysitters
- He did not appreciate my witty sense of humor.
- I might have referred to him a blue-haired lady because he mentioned eating dinner early in one of our conversations.
- He took offense to me referring to him as a “lady” and did NOT like that one bit. It. Was. A. Joke.
- He appeared to be a little homophobic.
- I sent him a meme from the brosbeingbasic Instagram account and he indicated he used to follow them, but it got too gay for him so he unfollowed the account.
Needless to say there were red flags, but I ignored them. I thought to myself, “I’m going to see this date through!”
Side note: my outfit was amazing. I had on a Free People tank, distressed Joe’s Jeans and a pair of Michael Kors wedges on. I basically wasted an amazing outfit on a bad date.
I arrive to our date destination.
He was dressed very nicely. He had on a pair of designer jeans and a Brooks Brothers shirt. He also had on typical frat-bro loafers and a nautical belt that fratastic guys usually wear.
The conversation was TERRIBLE. I mean it was REALLY bad.
- He did not like what the hostess was wearing, he thought it was see-through.
- No it wasn’t see-through. I actually liked her dress.
- A quote from him, “If I was a CEO and she was working for me she would not be wearing that dress.”
- He did not like the type of glass his beer was served in, he thought the glass was “fruity”
- See my observation above under red flags about him being homophobic.
- He was very opinionated about tattoos.
- Side note: I have a small tattoo on my wrist.
- According to him you have to play the role of the career you want. Apparently that means you can’t have tattoo sleeves and be a CEO.
- Am I talking to my dad? I’m pretty sure I was on a date with an 80 year old man, not a 31 year old.
- I commented to him that our waitress looked like Kristen Bell. His response: “Kristen Bell is old, she’s like 40.”
- Me: “No she’s not. She’s about my age.”
- After consulting Siri, yours truly was right. He then told me he didn’t think our waitress looked like her, but I told her anyways. It made her night.
That was probably the shortest date ever for me… under 45 minutes.
Now here’s the best part. Well, not the best part, but it would only happen to me.
We’re walking down the street and the sidewalk had a lot of uneven pavement. I’m not even at the corner and I feel my ankle giving out. My arms flail around like a crazed bird and I do a 360 spin like a drunk ballerina (P.S. I wasn’t drunk when I fell, I didn’t even finish my Moscow Mule on the date). Next thing I know I’m laying on the ground staring up at the sky.
Here’s a series of thoughts that went through my mind:
- How many people saw that?
- Is this real life?
- Did I break my ankle?
- This would only happen to me. #storyofmylife
- Should I buy a Life Alert?
- I wish my friends were here to see this.
- Can I just lay here for a few minutes?
- Are my jeans ok?
- I wonder what judgmental thoughts are going through people’s minds about me.
- “Oh that girl is a hot mess.”
- “She probably had too much to drink”
- “It sucks to be her”
I probably laid in the street for 3-4 minutes. Several bystanders walked by me to ask me if I was ok and my date just stood there. My response to everyone, “Oh I’m fine. I’m just laying here to make sure nothing is broken and to collect myself.” Followed by a nervous laugh.
I finally get up with the help of Regina George and continue walking with a slight limp and I just start cracking up. He didn’t think it was funny. We said our awkward goodbyes and departed.
God bless Google for telling me how to treat my ankle. I wrapped it up in an Ace Bandage, iced it and elevated it. The following morning was touch and go, but since I was proactive my sprained ankle wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
For those of you wondering, he texted me the next day and said, “Hope your foot is ok. Bye.”
I give this date ZERO stars.