Tag: humor

Dating Diaries

Dating Diaries: Mr. No-Show

alittlebitsquirrely

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In my 30-something years of living, I have never been stood up. Until now.

This was probably karma coming back to me for leaving my date with the doctor when I told him I had a headache.

We were planning to meet at a little hole-in-the-wall bar that has fun games like ping pong and skee ball. Prior to us meeting we had to reschedule our dates a few times, I didn’t think anything of it. I arrive at the bar and text him letting him know I’m sitting outside. He responds, “running a few minutes behind I had to take my dog out.”

I decide to order a glass of Pinot Grigio and wait for his arrival. Twenty minutes go by. I text my friend to ask her how long does one wait until they realize they’ve been stood up.  She instructed me to text him about his ETA and wait at least 20 minutes before leaving.

I shoot him a text asking him,  “Hey _____ just seeing if you’re planning on coming or not. If you’re not, it’s cool… but just let me know.” Radio silence. No reply. Nothing. At this point I couldn’t help but laugh a little. I finish my wine, close my tab and bounce out of there.

If I learned anything from this non-existent date, it’s that I can totally go somewhere and drink a glass of wine by myself and not feel weird about it. Victory!

 

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Dating Diaries

Dating Diaries: Regina George

alittlebitsquirrely

I swear, I have the worst luck when it comes to dating guys.  I decided to give the app, Hinge, a go.  I matched with a nice looking fella and we basically hit it off immediately.  By hitting it off I mean we had the same taste in music and movies- I guess that was pretty much it (looking back it should have been a red flag).  I got blind-sided by the fact that we had a conversation via MEAN GIRLS memes… I mean wouldn’t you?!FullSizeRender-6

More red flags:

  • He thought I was looking for a BFF or a cat babysitter.
    • Ummm…. NO and NO
      • I have enough BFFs and Boo Radley (my cat) has enough babysitters
  • He did not appreciate my witty sense of humor.
    • I might have referred to him a blue-haired lady because he mentioned eating dinner early in one of our conversations.
      • He took offense to me referring to him as a “lady” and did NOT like that one bit.  It. Was. A. Joke.
  • He appeared to be a little homophobic.
    • I sent him a meme from the brosbeingbasic Instagram account and he indicated he used to follow them, but it got too gay for him so he unfollowed the account.
      • UMMM??? Ok.

Needless to say there were red flags, but I ignored them.  I thought to myself, “I’m going to see this date through!”

Side note: my outfit was amazing. I had on a Free People tank, distressed Joe’s Jeans and a pair of Michael Kors wedges on.  I basically wasted an amazing outfit on a bad date.

I arrive to our date destination.

He was dressed very nicely. He had on a pair of designer jeans and a Brooks Brothers shirt.  He also had on typical frat-bro loafers and a nautical belt that fratastic guys usually wear.

The conversation was TERRIBLE.  I mean it was REALLY bad.

  • He did not like what the hostess was wearing, he thought it was see-through.
    • No it wasn’t see-through. I actually liked her dress.
    • A quote from him, “If I was a CEO and she was working for me she would not be wearing that dress.”
      • Ok…..
  • He did not like the type of glass his beer was served in, he thought the glass was “fruity”
    • See my observation above under red flags about him being homophobic.
  • He was very opinionated about tattoos.
    • Side note: I have a small tattoo on my wrist.
      • According to him you have to play the role of the career you want.  Apparently that means you can’t have tattoo sleeves and be a CEO.
        • Am I talking to my dad?  I’m pretty sure I was on a date with an 80 year old man, not a 31 year old.
  • I commented to him that our waitress looked like Kristen Bell.  His response: “Kristen Bell is old, she’s like 40.”
    • Me: “No she’s not. She’s about my age.”
      • After consulting Siri, yours truly was right.  He then told me he didn’t think our waitress looked like her, but I told her anyways.  It made her night.

That was probably the shortest date ever for me… under 45 minutes.

Now here’s the best part.  Well, not the best part, but it would only happen to me.

We’re walking down the street and the sidewalk had a lot of uneven pavement. I’m not even at the corner and I feel my ankle giving out.  My arms flail around like a crazed bird and I do a 360 spin like a drunk ballerina (P.S. I wasn’t drunk when I fell, I didn’t even finish my Moscow Mule on the date).  Next thing I know I’m laying on the ground staring up at the sky.

Here’s a series of thoughts that went through my mind:

  • How many people saw that?
  • Is this real life?
  • Did I break my ankle?
  • This would only happen to me. #storyofmylife
  • Should I buy a Life Alert?
  • I wish my friends were here to see this.
  • Can I just lay here for a few minutes?
  • Are my jeans ok?
  • I wonder what judgmental thoughts are going through people’s minds about me.
    • “Oh that girl is a hot mess.”
    • “She probably had too much to drink”
    • “It sucks to be her”
    • “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

I probably laid in the street for 3-4 minutes.  Several bystanders walked by me to ask me if I was ok and my date just stood there.  My response to everyone, “Oh I’m fine. I’m just laying here to make sure nothing is broken and to collect myself.” Followed by a nervous laugh.

I finally get up with the help of Regina George and continue walking with a slight limp and I just start cracking up.  He didn’t think it was funny.  We said our awkward goodbyes and departed.

God bless Google for telling me how to treat my ankle. I wrapped it up in an Ace Bandage, iced it and elevated it.  The following morning was touch and go, but since I was proactive my sprained ankle wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

For those of you wondering, he texted me the next day and said, “Hope your foot is ok. Bye.”

I give this date ZERO stars.

 

 

 

Uncategorized

Go Home Barry Manilow

alittlebitsquirrely

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Does anyone else get random texts like this from their parents? I mean not specifically about Barry Manilow, but random texts that you just weren’t expecting? My mom texted me yesterday + maybe it was just me, but I found it hilarious.  Come to find out she was tired of seeing Barry Manilow popping up on her Facebook, so with a simple fix we said, “Bye Felicia” and “un-liked” his page.   {Side note:  is “un-like” even a word? }  Even if it’s not a word, I’m going to start using it.

I’m also going to start keeping record of stellar text messages I receive from both my mom + dad.

Travels

Jessica Jet Sets to Cali: Part I

alittlebitsquirrely

As you can obviously tell, I survived my trip to California.  I packed enough airplane “activities” to keep me occupied on the long journey. If someone looked in my carry-on bag they would have thought I was an activity hoarder.  What was in my carry-on you might ask? Here’s the run down:

  • Adult coloring book (I did not color at all)
  • HGTV magazine (which I did NOT read)
  • MacBook (I partially worked on my self-assessment for work)
  • The Good Girl (I read a little bit)
  • iPad (I honestly don’t know why I brought it)
  • Work tablet (another piece of technology I should have left behind)

I realize I should have been more sensible when packing my “activity” bag, but I wasn’t sure how high my anxiety level would be and I needed all the distractions I could get.  The flight form RDU to CLT wasn’t bad at all… a beautiful 30 minutes-ish traveling.  It was the CLT to SFO flight that I was prepping for. I basically followed my friend’s suggestion by not having ANY caffeine prior to flying- what a great tip!

While heading to my connecting flight I totes I got to lay my eyes on the Carolina Panther’s plane.  No, Cam Newton was no where to be seen.  They were probably still mourning their Super Bow 50 loss (I mean, I’m still bummed about it).

The Panther's plane in CLT
The Panther’s plane in CLT

On the 5+ hour trip to San Francisco I was lucky enough to sit right next to the cabin bathroom.  That’s right, I had VIP seats to see who all were repeat offenders using the bathroom!

My view for 5+ hours, the luxurious bathroom.
My view for 5+ hours, the luxurious bathroom.

It wasn’t too bad, I actually had enough room and didn’t feel claustrophobic- otherwise I would have needed a horse tranquilizer.

Now since my first day in California had consisted of being up for almost 24 hours, I figured I’d break up my blog post into a series of posts so I don’t miss any of the important stuff.  We crammed A LOT into our first day in San Francisco.  My journey to The Golden State was just part of it.

Coming Soon- Jessica Jet Sets to Cali: Part II

 

 

 

Uncategorized

A Little Bit Squirrely

alittlebitsquirrely

I decided to make some minor changes to my blog. When I first created Raleigh Social Butterfly several years ago the focus was going to be mainly about my life + adventures in Raleigh. After mulling it over for the past few months I made the decision to change my blog name to reflect more of my personality… and my strange obsession with squirrels. I present my new + improved blog… a little bit squirrely.

I’ll still continue to blog about my life + adventures like concerts, shenanigans,  travels, working on making my townhouse a home and more.  I even might throw in some commentary on my dating adventures as a 30-something gal with a twist of humor.

Let’s see how this goes…

My Bucket List of Bands

Make It Rain

alittlebitsquirrely

This is a belated concert post.

Maybe I’m still trying to process the L’il Wayne + T.I. concert or maybe I’m in denial that I was at a concert venue with filled with hot messes.  Nonetheless, this is a belated post.

I suppose I’ll start from the very beginning.

Of course there had to be a torrential downpour before the concert. Not cool.  Luckily we came prepared with ponchos and raincoats.  As we sat in the car at Walnut Creek Amphitheater waiting for the rain to ease up we couldn’t help but watch in horror all the tragically dressed girls getting out of their cars.  (A little bit about Walnut Creek; it’s a massive outdoor venue which I despise and it’s like walking through the shire like on Lord of the Rings).  Like I said earlier, it was POURING rain… girls were emerging from their cars in stripper shoes and what looked like outfits from 5-7-9 or _____.  Most of them were wearing sizes that were too small or too short.  My deer in the headlight expression made me realize, this is what’s wrong with society… it’s going downhill. Then again, maybe I’m getting old and that’s my age talking.

So as we were making the long trek to the gates, two girls fell. One of the girls was wearing heels… in the rain… walking on grass.  She should have known better.  The other girl was wearing white shorts and literally fell on her butt in a puddle.  When she got up, let’s just say it looked like “oops I crapped my pants.”  I laughed at both girls.  I always laugh when people fall and I give permission to people to laugh at me when I fall.

Once we approached the gates… it was still raining and our feet were wet from all the rain (maybe my choice of wearing Havaianas flip flops wasn’t the smartest decision I made).  As we were hanging out waiting in line a surge of people started coming towards us and I was sandwiched in a mass crowd.  I’m still surprised I didn’t have a massive panic attack, I get claustrophobic easily.  It was pure chaos.  I had a couple to my left smoking cigarettes and blowing their cancer stick smoke into my face (apparently they weren’t raised with proper etiquette… don’t do that) and I was literally sandwiched between two dudes.  I was pretty much violated.  There was no such thing as “personal space” while we waited.  While standing there, I thought to myself I’m going to get trampled and die.  My parents would have to tell friends + family that I was trampled to death while waiting in line to see L’il Wayne + T.I. and that all was left of me was my North Face raincoat.  Alas, I survived and made it safely in.

After we all got beers (we needed them after dealing with all the chaos), we decided to hangout in a gazebo to regain our composure and strategize our next move.  It was there we met Gilligan from Gilligan’s Island.

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Before Gilligan went on a 3 hour tour

Once we found a spot on the lawn everything was much better.  T.I. put on an amazing performance (he’s my jam) and L’il Wayne is quite the talker.  We left early because 1. We didn’t want to get caught in the mass chaos and, 2. We had a hankering for empanada and wanted Calavera.

Final Thoughts:

I doubt I’ll go back to Walnut Creek.  It would have to be someone absolutely amazing for me to see to go back to that hell hole and I would purchase seats, not lawn seats. Speaking of Walnut Creek, they really  need to work on maintaining their bathrooms.  Not only did a majority of the toilets didn’t work, but I also saw a sink hanging out of the wall. Classy.  I’d like to thank those I got to witness who fell down, thanks for the laughter.  I needed it.