Earbuds

Ok y’all. Here’s my first blog post on my adventures in dating. I’ve changed the guy’s name +  location so no one’s feelings get hurt.

Last night’s date was a total hot mess!  We met up at local downtown Raleigh establishment at around 8pm.  I got there on time + Earbuds* texted to say he was out back finishing up a phone call.  Out of total politeness I waited for him to show his face prior to ordering my drink… my parents would be proud that those cotillon classes from middle school were paying off.  Maybe I should have referred him to the cotillon classes I went to because he appeared with beverage in hand.  In the words of Stephanie Tanner, “HOW RUDE!” I opted to not hold that against him. However there were a few things I couldn’t get past.

1. He was starting ear gauges. On BOTH ears.  Who starts doing that when they’re in their 30s?! Really? I don’t get the appeal of ear gauges. I’m ok with tattoos, but ear gauges? You want to have a GIANT floppy hole in your ear that you could potentially shoot darts through for giggles? No thanks.
2. He whipped out his e-cigarette like Leonardo DiCaprio did at the SAG Awards. It was like a magic trick, you don’t know how it appeared, it just came out of no where.
3. He lives with an eight foot boa constrictor. Technically, it’s his roommate’s “pet”, but still. A snake? That’s a 100% hell no. Not to mention, I think he plans to live with said roommate forever.
4. Conspiracy theories. He had conspiracy theories that he babbled about, but honestly I tuned out. I think I just nodded as if I knew what he was talking about.
5. Yes, there’s a number five.  At the end of the night when it was obvious that there wasn’t a connection he said he was going to close his tab.  First of all, we had a waitress. Second of all, you’re not going to at least offer to buy my one $5 glass of prosecco for Wind Down Wednesday? Oh, that’s fine. I’m miss independent, miss self-sufficient… I’ve got this, don’t worry about me.

I should have just said, “Bye Felicia” to him.  Unfortunately time machines don’t exist so it’s a moo-point.  Oh well… on to the next one.

P.S. I called this post earbuds because I stopped my friend’s house after the date to give her the “scoop” and her boyfriend referred to him as earbuds so it stuck.

P.S.S. Earbuds, if you’re reading this- I didn’t mention your name so let’s not get bent out of shape… it’s just giggles.