Ok y’all. Here’s my first blog post on my adventures in dating. I’ve changed the guy’s name + location so no one’s feelings get hurt.
Last night’s date was a total hot mess! We met up at local downtown Raleigh establishment at around 8pm. I got there on time + Earbuds* texted to say he was out back finishing up a phone call. Out of total politeness I waited for him to show his face prior to ordering my drink… my parents would be proud that those cotillon classes from middle school were paying off. Maybe I should have referred him to the cotillon classes I went to because he appeared with beverage in hand. In the words of Stephanie Tanner, “HOW RUDE!” I opted to not hold that against him. However there were a few things I couldn’t get past.
- He was starting ear gauges. On BOTH ears. Who starts doing that when they’re in their 30s?! Really? I don’t get the appeal of ear gauges. I’m ok with tattoos, but ear gauges? You want to have a GIANT floppy hole in your ear that you could potentially shoot darts through for giggles? No thanks.
- He whipped out his e-cigarette like Leonardo DiCaprio did at the SAG Awards. It was like a magic trick, you don’t know how it appeared, it just came out of no where.
- He lives with an eight foot boa constrictor. Technically, it’s his roommate’s “pet”, but still. A snake? That’s a 100% hell no. Not to mention, I think he plans to live with said roommate forever.
- Conspiracy theories. He had conspiracy theories that he babbled about, but honestly I tuned out. I think I just nodded as if I knew what he was talking about.
- Yes, there’s a number five. At the end of the night when it was obvious that there wasn’t a connection he said he was going to close his tab. First of all, we had a waitress. Second of all, you’re not going to at least offer to buy my one $5 glass of prosecco for Wind Down Wednesday? Oh, that’s fine. I’m miss independent, miss self-sufficient… I’ve got this, don’t worry about me.
I should have just said, “Bye Felicia” to him. Unfortunately time machines don’t exist so it’s a moo-point. Oh well… on to the next one.
P.S. I called this post earbuds because I stopped my friend’s house after the date to give her the “scoop” and her boyfriend referred to him as earbuds so it stuck.
P.S.S. Earbuds, if you’re reading this- I didn’t mention your name so let’s not get bent out of shape… it’s just giggles.